I’ve written and re-written this blog post a number of times in the past week. I kept hovering over the publish button, not sure about whether to publish or not…hesitating. My goal when it comes to these blog posts is to offer something to my readers, something that they can take with them and apply in their everyday life.
This blog post is not like that at all. It’s introspective. It’s reflective. It’s a snapshot into what has been happening in my life for the past 2 1/2 weeks. What’s been going in my head, the emotions I’ve been going through. It’s been messy, complicated, full of tears and plenty of moments where I’ve second guessed myself.
It also involves more than just me. And while I don’t go into detail about that part of it, I am cautious of involving others when it comes to my own personal blog. What I’m sharing today is a bit of insight into what’s been happening with me, how I’ve been handling it, and what is (likely) next.
In recent weeks, I’ve become very aware of the truth behind the saying: “when it rains, it pours.”
At first, I tried to avoid the rain. Sidestepping and finding shelter whenever I could. I denied what was happening, refusing to see what was right in front of me. I shrugged it off as something I could just handle without reaching out to anyone. I lied, pushed people away, and retreated further and further into my own shell. As you can imagine, this eventually backfired on me and the consequences have been a hefty price to pay.
I stopped writing.
This is the first blog post I’ve written in over a month. For anyone that knows me, this is WAY outside the norm for me. Writing is pretty much up there with working out in terms of priorities. Someone recently mentioned to me that they knew something was up because my social media and writing went completely silent suddenly. I have managed to keep up with my workouts, but honestly, it’s because I didn’t have to think too much when I’m at the gym. I could just shut my brain off and focus on the workout.
I stopped paying any attention to my own self-care and instead focused on what was happening around me. What I was doing, what others were doing, what others were thinking about me…and pretty soon it became apparent that some major changes needed to happen.
When it rains…it pours. Did I call on this torrential downpour? I definitely played a huge part. My actions were certainly the catalyst to what is now happening. I am diving headfirst into uncertainty and I’m terrified. There is a lot of guilt, anger, and shame that I am working through. I am not ready to talk about this side of things yet, especially as they are feelings and emotions I’m still processing and working through (thanks, in part, to therapy).
I recognize and appreciate that the “only constant in life is change.” Growing up with a mom in the military meant that moving was just a part of my life. Every 3-4 years, big changes happened. New home, new room, new neighbourhood, new school, new friends. It makes shifting career focus, moving, starting new adventures more exciting versus terrifying.
It often meant a fresh start.
But then you get to a point in your life where you assume that these big changes start to slow down. That they become a little less consistent. “When I’m an adult, I will own a home and never move again.”
Well…I’m an adult and I don’t own a home. And I’ve moved more times than I can count.
It’s funny thinking back to when I was a kid…all of the assumptions and plans I made about what my life was going to look like. I’d own a house, get married, have kids, etc. etc. But here I am, about to press the reset button once more. And while my goals have changed since I was a kid, there are still things that I just wasn’t expecting or planning for.
I’ve essentially gotten to a point in my life where answering the who are you question has become a challenge. I feel a little lost. I’ve made decisions and behaved in ways that SO outside my norm. That was a glaringly bright warning sign to me. With realizations like this comes drastic changes in my life. Some planned, some not so planned but necessary. And it hurts. Everything about this hurts. There is a huge part of me that is kicking and screaming to turn around and go back to the way things were.
To go back to comfort, certainty, the status quo. I was happy. For the most part, I was happy. And to now be at a point where EVERYTHING is changing…
Forget a new chapter…I honestly feel like I’m about to start an entirely new book.
Truthfully, I didn’t think this would be happening in my 30s, but life seems to be full of the unexpected. I’m not entirely sure what’s next. The next month is going to be full of uncertainty and major life changes. I’m leaning on the support of my close friends and family, doing a LOT of writing, and taking walks as often as I can.
The blog posts have been a little less consistent because all of my mental energy is being used trying to put the pieces of my life back together again. To figure out what’s next. To learning more about myself. Things are about to get a lot more introspective over here…